Addicted to Distraction: How our Smartphones Add Value or Limit our Lives

I am The Queen of Distraction! There. I said it. It’s not a self-proclaimed title that I am particularly fond of, but it is the truth, and for me the truth always feels liberating. In this moment, I accept my current reality (some days are easier than others when it comes to acceptance!) and as Carl Rogers says, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

What I am working to change is the fact that I continually distract myself from anything and everything: my work, time spent with my family, I distract myself from uncomfortable feelings, I even distract myself from distracting myself. HA! Basically, the list goes on and on. I’m being a little dramatic here, but you get my point.

In looking back, I can see that drinking played a vital role in my need to distract. It was a tool I regularly used to avoid the present moment, because the present moment was never enough. I was unable to sit with my feelings of discomfort. If I was bored, I would drink. If I was angry, I would drink. If I was sad, I would drink. If I wanted to have more fun, I would drink. It was a tool that enabled me to move away from whatever it was I didn’t want to feel.

Now that I’ve left drinking behind I can see that I am still doing this in sneakier, more insidious ways—mainly with technology.

I have recently been reevaluating my relationship with my precious little beloved iPhone. How many of you feel as though you are missing a limb when you leave home and realize that you accidentally forgot your phone? I know I certainly do! I also know there are probably many of you out there who feel me on this because I seeeee you on your phones all the time. Now, granted, that is just my judgmental-self sneaking in and being all judge-y, because really, I can’t know if your phone is a problem for you. Only you can know that. It may not be a problem for you at all. It may be a great distraction that is protecting you from something you just aren’t ready to deal with, and that’s totally okay. YOU get to decide what works for you and what doesn’t, regardless of what others think.

However, if you are anything like me, you might not even realize that it is a problem or that it is creating suffering in your life until you look closely at your relationship with it.

When I got real with myself and acknowledged that I actually crave my phone, I knew I had to go beyond the surface and dig a little deeper, to inquire into this experience of craving. Instead of reaching for my phone on autopilot, I decided to slow it and look at my intentions. I began to look at what reward I was seeking from checking my phone incessantly throughout the day.

I asked myself questions such as: why do I use my phone so much? Why do I feel the need to check Facebook, Instagram, and email so often? What am I hoping to get from my actions? What reward am I seeking? Is this behavior affecting other areas of my life? What emotion am I attempting to avoid feeling?

Your answers might be different than mine, but the only way to know what your answers are is to inquire deeply into your own usage of technology in this digital age. If you want to know why you do anything, get curious. Investigate your thoughts, your behavior, your experience.

When I look closely at my own usage I can see that I am trying to distract myself from boredom. It’s an old friend, or I guess it’s more like an enemy I should say, when I consider the fact that I am constantly running away from it. HA! For me, boredom ultimately comes down to the belief that the present moment is never enough. My mind likes to tell me that the present moment can always be better and that there is always something I can be doing to enhance my experience. I am a glutton.

More, more, more is the name of my game and through deep inquiry I can clearly see how much suffering this creates in my life. Albeit, it is suffering on a small scale, but suffering is suffering, nonetheless. In The Pali Canon Buddha says, “The Noble Truth of the Origin [cause] of Suffering is this: It is this craving.” If you find yourself craving something throughout the day, notice if this causes you to suffer in any way. When you avoid giving into the craving what emotion arises? How does that emotion feel—pleasurable or painful? When you act on the craving how does that feel? For how long is the craving satisfied? Take a close look.

What I have come to know and understand is that I can unwind the neural pathways that cause me to be chronically distracted, through deliberate practice that is geared towards increasing my focus on the task at hand—even if that just involves being focused on the present while enjoying a day at the beach! Shouldn’t be that hard, right? Well, the thing is, for many of us it is hard.

I recently read Deep Work by Cal Newport who believes, as I do, that it’s important to notice how you are distracting yourself in the little ways, because that feeds into other areas of your life—which is exactly what I have found. He asserts that “Once your brain has become accustomed to on-demand distraction…it’s hard to shake the addiction even when you want to concentrate.” In other words, if I distract myself every time I feel a sense of boredom, I am training my brain to live in a chronically distracted state which is not only painful, but also keeps me from being able to engage with life on a deep, meaningful level.

Author Winifred Gallagher says, “the skillful management of attention is the sine qua non of the good life and the key to improving virtually every aspect of your experience.” A meaningful life is a life of depth, one where we are not constantly distracting ourselves while hanging with our friends or waiting in the grocery line. If we continually allow these distractions to keep ourselves from feeling our feelings, and from deeply being with and connecting with those around us, then we are on some level letting life pass us by.

We are fighting an uphill battle this day and age. The digital age has in so many ways trained our brains to never have to tolerate boredom, because we can always reach for something more interesting than the present moment when our smartphones are close by.

Now let’s re-frame this positively—instead of trying to stop distracting ourselves, let’s instead look at increasing our focus. Where in your life are you losing focus? When do you find yourself reaching for something instead of fully engaging in the task at hand—no matter how small that task is? This is where a mindfulness practice, called RAIN comes in handy.

I came across RAIN while reading The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer—a book I highly recommend! The steps are:

  1. RECOGNIZE: The first step to changing any behavior is to recognize the thought that then leads to the behavior. You can’t change that which you are unaware of. You also need to relax into this new found awareness and realize that you ultimately have no control over the thoughts that arise. If you did, you would never have a thought that causes you to suffer because you would simply change it and never allow it again!
  2. ACCEPT: Accept that you have no control over the thoughts that arise. Don’t take it personally when you find yourself craving. It’s not you, it’s simply a neurochemical process occurring in your brain. Don’t try to distract yourself from your thoughts, don’t try to force them to go away, but rather, acknowledge that this is your experience and while you can’t control your thoughts, you can control how you respond to them.
  3. INVESTIGATE: Bring a sense of inquiry and curiosity to your experience. Check in with your emotions and your body. When the craving arises, such as the thought “I want to check my phone” investigate it. I ask myself questions such as: when was the last time I checked my phone? Do I really need to check it right now? Why or why not? How often does this thought arise? How do I feel when I have this thought? What emotions arise? How does my body respond? What physical sensations am I feeling? What am I avoiding?
  4. NOTE: In your investigation, simply take note of what has arisen. When I have the thought that I want to distract myself I notice that I start to feel a sense of anxiety, and that anxiety increases when I refuse to engage in the distracting behavior. My body contracts. I feel a surge of energy that makes me feel as though I need to take some sort of action. All of this is simply feedback about my lived experience. When I acknowledge and accept this feedback I create agency and allow myself the ability to respond rather than react. I can choose to engage in the behavior and see how that feels, or I can choose to use RAIN, ride the wave of craving, anchor into my body, witness my experience, and notice when the craving passes. Because it always does. The mind is pretty much always either in the past or in the future, however, the body is always in the present. We can anchor our minds to the present moment by investigating and tuning into the experience of our body.

Another helpful tool to create lasting change is to break it down into bite-sized chunks. I could completely do away with my phone, but it is a useful tool and I like it. In many ways it gives me pleasure and helps me to quickly and easily communicate with others. So instead of quitting all together I’m working to increase the length of time that I go without it.

I want it to be a tool that adds to my life, not one that takes away from it. Going back to bite-sized chunks, let’s look at how I am working on this blog post. I set myself a goal of going 30 minutes without doing anything besides focusing on the task at hand. In the past 30 minutes the urge to check email arose on seven (!!) different occasions, I used RAIN to ride the wave of craving. In doing so, I am building my focus through deliberate practice and, rewiring my brain in the process.

If you’re trying to increase your focus to complete work, or to spend an hour of uninterrupted, distraction free time with your family or friends it is also helpful to bring in ritual. Ritual is a powerful tool for the mind and psyche that signifies a beginning and end to something. When the same ritual is used consistently it primes the brain for that activity. For writing, I have decided to light a candle when I begin my 30-minute chunk of time and blow it out when I am done. Then I take a short break and repeat. As my urge to distract loses momentum, I will be able to lengthen these chunks of time.

Change is HARD. We all know this. What we are going for here is deliberate practice, not perfection. Knowing that you will inevitably fail many times in your endeavor to create change, The Craving Mind offers us some helpful tips.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up. There is no point. You can’t control the thoughts that arise, you can’t control your genetics, your history, what you’ve been exposed to over the years—it’s all been said and done. Instead lean towards non-judgmental acceptance.
  2. Take it slow. Change is often only sustainable when we approach it in a way that works for us, in bite-sized chunks. If I were to say I’m going to write for six hours without checking email or looking at my phone, I am inevitably setting myself up for failure. Start slow.
  3. Don’t take it personally when you mess up again. It’s not personal. It’s just your brain at work. It’s a neural pathway that needs to be unwound and that is a slow and ongoing process.
  4. Focus on quality over quantity. It’s about deliberate practice. Not perfect practice. Five minutes of writing and riding the waves of craving to distract is much more beneficial in rewiring the brain long term than going big right out of the gate. Start small, practice deliberately, use RAIN, and gradually increase the times you set aside to intentionally increase your focus on the task at hand.

 

The Need to be Right

I have struggled with the need to be right for my entire life. Fortunately, over the years I have made great progress when it comes to letting things go, not asserting my position on everything and everybody, and ultimately opening my heart and mind to the concept that all ideas are partial. It has been a long road, and it is still something I am consciously working on; learning that there is a time and a place to assert or defend my position. My husband is probably laughing right now, reading that I have made “great progress,” but he really has no idea just how bad it used to be. I’m a work in progress!

Just prior to sitting down to write, I wasted over an hour of my precious time that could have been more productively spent. I read, and re-read an article that was posted in a Facebook group that I am a member of. I also read through hundreds of comments, 99% of which were strongly asserting the “wrong-ness” of, not only the ideas in the article, but also the author and her character were being called into question. The leader of this Facebook group was livid as a result of this article and claims the opinions presented in the piece are reductionist, uniformed, and dangerous. Most of the members of the group were hopping on the “condemn this dangerous, uneducated, quack of woman” train. While I could see their opinions and position, I thought the intensity of the condemnation was way off base and I got defensive—even though I do not know the author of the article, nor do I completely agree with her position.

Simply because I had a slightly different interpretation of this woman’s opinions, I felt it necessary to spend an hour constructing my argument to post in the group and defend a woman whom I don’t even know. Upon acknowledging this realization, I decided to ask: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!? WHY am I doing this? What are my intentions? Do I really have the time to put more energy and effort into asserting my position in a group where nobody will agree with what I have to say? Is this a productive use of my time? Why do I even feel the need to assert my position and tell them that I disagree with them to some extent? Why do I feel the need to defend the position of someone whom I don’t even know?!? Is this a battle I really need to engage with?

What I ultimately did here was to step back from my need to defend, my need to be right, and instead lean into inquiry.

Along with all of the questions just stated, part of this inquiry also included asking the question: Why do all of these women feel the need to condemn the author of the hotly contested article? I tried to lean into understanding their strong opinions. I wondered, can they know without a doubt that her position is uniformed and dangerous? Can I know without a doubt that her position is NOT uninformed and dangerous? Can all of us partially be right? Can all of us partially be wrong?

Ultimately, it brought me back to the statement that always provides me with perspective: all ideas are partial.

Perhaps there is some “right-ness” to be found in both perspectives. Once I acknowledged this, I didn’t feel the need to continue crafting a rebuttal. I decided to let it go. Byron Katie’s wise words came to mind. She says, “Defense is the first act of war…I didn’t realize that I was the one making war by defending myself. And I was the one who could end it. It doesn’t take two people to end war; it only takes one.” Now, I’m not asserting that you never defend yourself or your position, rather, that you step back and take a look at your intentions. Also, check in with yourself and ask how often you feel the need to do this, to be right, to defend?  Does it bring peace to your life or chaos? Is it connecting you with people, or is it creating division in your relationships?

Why do so many of us feel the need to be right?

An article in Psychology Today says that, “Our educational system is rooted in the construct of right or wrong.” Could it be that this is where our need to defend begins—in the school system? In our experiences growing up, we are often rewarded for being right and being wrong is considered undesirable. If we hold this belief that right is good and wrong is bad, does being right therefore affirm and inflate our sense of self-worth? Is trying to be right the way our ego tries to protect our self-esteem?

The Tao Te Ching states that “He who tries to shine dims his own light.” Is the need to be right tied to our desire to shine through asserting our opinions and defending why we are right? When you are trying to claim your value in this regard, to assert yourself (or your opinions) as better-than, you are not aligned with love, but rather, with ego. When you are ego identified you are blocking the light that is your true nature.

Through sustained inquiry, we can open our hearts and our minds, we can step out of ego and align ourselves with love—that which connects us to ourselves and to others.

Furthermore, we are a competitive society and we associate being wrong with failure and very few of us want to fail despite research that says failure is actually necessary for growth. We don’t learn anything from being right, we learn from being wrong. We learn by making mistakes, stumbling, failing, and getting back up.

Being right simply massages the ego—it doesn’t actually inspire a genuine learning experience. It doesn’t help us to come to understand another’s perspective.

Perhaps the need to be right is ultimately based in fear. Fear of losing credibility, fear of not being valued, fear of being seen as unintelligent, and fear of losing control. When we go on the defensive we are often trying to control how we are perceived. When our sense of self and our beliefs are threatened, we often lean into control. We try to control the situation by asserting our rightness, and we try to control others perceptions of us. Mainly, we want to feel that other people think we have something to offer, that we should be listened to, and that we are good. We also may try to find our power through our assertions of why we are right and the other is wrong.

The need to be right is sometimes a way we express our anger. As I said, there is a time and a place to assert and defend, but how we assert and defend is key. If we are not addressing our anger, we will often fly out onto the defensive and lose ourselves, which can undermine our credibility. There can also be anger attached to the other person or party who does not see that we are, in fact, probably right.

Could our anger also be tied to our need for approval and our fear of being wrong? What does that mean about us if we are wrong? Could all of this be tied to our survival instincts, our desire to belong, to love and be loved?

There is much to think about and unpack when it comes to inquiring into our need to be right.

However, it is important that we unpack this issue, because the need to be right is no small matter. While I see it mostly playing out in the small things in my day to day life, particularly in my marriage, at the end of the day, the small things make up the big things. If we are continually battling and defending in our relationships when it comes to minor details, how is this playing out on the macro level? The need to be right in religion, politics, and hot button issues such as abortion has led to nothing but division, hatred, war, and death.

If we can loosen our grip on the need to be right with the small things, we are opening our hearts and our minds to discussing and considering the big things from a more compassionate, open-minded, and peaceful positon—from a place rooted in love instead of fear. We must lean into inquiry. We must check in with our intentions.

Again, this is not to say that we don’t question others views when we believe they are morally wrong—when we believe their views are oppressing and infringing upon another. However, if we can question their views and see that they are probably coming from a place of fear, perhaps we can soften, we can release some of our anger and lean into compassion. When I find myself getting worked up about another’s “wrong-ness” I try to lean into inquiry and ask myself:

What would love look like in this situation?

Can I open my mind to their point of view and try to better understanding where they are coming from?

Can I see any validity in their point of view?

Even if I 100% believe that they are wrong, is it necessary at this moment to defend myself and my position? Or can I let it go?

What are the benefits of defending, and what are the benefits if I just let this go?

Would love look like allowing someone to be right and have their opinion even though I don’t agree?

Or would love look like hearing their side but standing firm in and stating my beliefs?

As I’ve stated twice already in this post, ALL IDEAS ARE PARTIAL. In a world where 97% of the universe is unknowable, how can we possibly walk through our day thinking we know so much? That we are right. That our husband or wife shouldn’t have done this or said that. That all these women up in arms about the article I was mentioning, should or shouldn’t be up in arms? How can I possibly know what is right in this situation? We often don’t realize how many times we state things as fact. In just the past two days of inquiring once again into my need to be right, I was relying on what I believed to be fact. Once I inquired, I realized, that all I had in these situations were opinions, they were not actually facts.

More Questions for Inquiry

Spend just one day noticing when you feel the need to be right. Is your defensiveness based in fact or in opinion? Can you be 100% sure that you are right? Can you in any way see that the other person may be right as well, or perhaps that neither of you right and that there are many other ways to look at the situation in question? Could it be true that both of you are right?

Can you use this situation as a way to lean into self-connection? Can you see that you are enough just as you are without defending yourself or your position, or asserting your need to be right?

Do you believe that you are valuable even if you are wrong? Instead of making assertions, can you ask the other person questions about their position to learn more about where they are coming from (even if you don’t agree)? As you step away from self-centeredness and consider the needs and perspectives of others, you develop intimacy and connection.

Can you practice allowing another to be right, even if you are still stuck in the idea that they are in fact, dead wrong? What would happen if you just allowed them to be right (or think they are right) in this situation? What feelings come up for you as you do this?

At the end of the day, I believe the ultimate question to ask ourselves when it comes to this form of inquiry is: What would love look like here?

Would love look like being open to another’s point of view, perspective, opinion, or position?

Would love look like allowing someone to be right just because, even if you don’t agree with them?

Can you let them be right for the sake of peace?

Or would love look like hearing their side but still standing firm in your belief?

I have asked many questions throughout this post, because this is an act of inquiry. Inquiring into our own positions, opinions, motivations, and intentions. When we step back and create some space, when we lean into non-judgmental inquiry, that is where we find peace, connection, and ultimately, freedom.

 

 

Freedom: It’s an Inside Job

FREEDOM. I have been searching for it my entire life. I think the reason I’ve never found it is because it’s not something that can be found, in the sense that once you have it, it’s yours. It doesn’t work that way. It’s not a destination, rather, it’s a conscious choice; it’s a process. A process that happens in each and every moment.

My quest for freedom began at an early age, however, the most poignant memories around feeling an intense need for freedom come from my tumultuous teenage years. During this time, I felt trapped. Trapped in my body, trapped in my mind, trapped in my life. I wanted out. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be free. At that time in my life I thought that ending it all might perhaps be the only way I could ever find what I was looking for. But I’m glad I stuck it out, because I proved myself wrong (although it took years).

So while I didn’t end up taking my own life in my search for freedom (captain obvious speaking here), I still at that time did not have healthy tools to deal with my tortured thinking, so I turned toward an external source of relief: getting drunk (or high). As often as possible. And ya know what? It worked for a while.

I felt freedom because numbing myself with intoxicating substances provided temporary relief from my tortured thinking. However, it was a false sense of freedom, because ultimately, I became a slave to the bottle. What created temporary freedom led to a life of imprisonment. A life that relied on outside sources to free me from my suffering, which in the end only amplified my suffering.

When we rely on outside sources, we never find that which we seek. Because freedom, peace, contentment—all of these can only be found on the INSIDE.

Now, you might be thinking, what exactly is freedom? What exactly are you talking about?!? One definition is that freedom is the power to determine action without restraint. Another is that freedom is the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. I like both of these definitions, and ultimately I believe that we are all seeking freedom from one thing: our thoughts. The thoughts that imprison, enslave, and restrain us—this is the cause of our suffering.

I’m not discounting the fact that some people have it HARD. Really hard. Living in circumstances that would seemingly cause anyone to suffer. But yet, time and time again people have proven that they can live in the shittiest of conditions and still feel free. Nelson Mandela and his time spent in prison comes to mind. Mandela is an example of a man who found freedom within himself despite his external circumstances. He found freedom from the thoughts that caused him to suffer.

What is interesting is that we can be in intense pain, and still choose not to suffer. Because freedom lies in our acceptance. And in trust. Trusting that life is in continual motion and what is at this moment, will not always be.

Suffering ultimately falls into three main categories:

  1. When we resist or argue with the past, present or future
  2. When we judge and/or compare the past, present or future
  3. When we attach or cling to the past, present or future

Lately, freedom has been on my mind, as I have created suffering for myself, mainly because I have been sitting in fear and uncertainty about what the future holds. Now I could sit here and berate myself with thoughts such as why the fuck are you suffering?! Shelby, you have it soooooo good. But then, there I go, judging myself—which only leads to more suffering. A negative feedback loop.

For many of us we believe that these are tumultuous times politically, economically, and socially. It can be hard (okay extremely fucking hard) to not resist, judge or attach to our thoughts about how we think things should be. But it’s possible. And, in fact, it is the only way we can experience freedom. Now this doesn’t mean that in doing this practice we stop moving towards that which we want or moving towards creating positive change in our lives and in the lives of others.

Life is full of paradox, an example being that all change starts with acceptance. Once we accept reality as it is in this moment, it is then that real change becomes possible. Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist says, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” I believe this holds true for all things. When we accept things just as they are, when we accept reality just as it is, it is then that we can tap into our power to affect change.

Through this acceptance we come to know where we can enact change, and where we can’t. The truth is that we always have the power to question our internal experience and thoughts around our circumstances.

I’m reminded of the Serenity Prayer:

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

I’ve come to learn that freedom is just like sobriety—a habit we cultivate one day at a time. Sometimes even one moment at a time. I used to think, if only I could quit drinking, then I would be free. Well, to some extent that is true in that I am free from drinking. But I still get caught up in resisting, arguing, clinging, judging and comparing, and it is then that I feel far from free. It’s often the “I’ll be happy when…” thoughts that create the most suffering.

Thoughts such as:

I’ll be happy when I have more money…

I’ll be happy when I have more time…

I’ll be happy when I have less stress…

I’ll be happy when I lose ten pounds…

I wish I didn’t have to…

I wish my kids/husband/partner would…

I shouldn’t have done…

I should have done…

All of these thoughts cause us to suffer and they steal our freedom, and we get stuck in these habitual thought patterns. We become enslaved by them, often not even realizing that this is happening.

Our inner roommate, as Michael Singer likes to call it, is a sneaky little bastard. It’s that person who lives in your head who judges, criticizes, and compares alllll day long. In order to be free, we’ve got to put the inner roommate in check. And this takes effort. It’s not going to happen overnight, so you’ve got to stick with it. You’ve got to be willing to do the work.

It takes attention and focus as Gabor Maté says In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, “It’s a subtle thing, freedom. It takes effort; it takes attention and focus to not act something like an automaton.”

Like sobriety, freedom is often found one moment at a time. It is found through catching, questioning, and releasing one thought at a time.

We’ve got to cultivate persistence and patience and we need to celebrate the small wins. Life is all about the small wins, because those small wins add up to BIG wins. A few moments of freedom end up turning into hours of freedom.

I used to think about drinking All. The. Time. When I first quit, I would beat myself up about it. When the FUCK will I be free of this thing? I realize this thought was keeping me just as trapped as drinking was. So what I did was I started to celebrate the time spent in between these thoughts.

“Oh, the thought popped up again—how cool is it that I didn’t think about it for the past five seconds. AWESOME!”

I know it sounds trivial, but the time spent not thinking about it began to grow. And I continued to celebrate those wins. This, my friend, is freedom. It’s ongoing, and often it’s about finding a small shift in perspective. Finding acceptance with what IS.

Byron Katie says, “Freedom is possible in every moment.” In fact, I think that is the only time freedom is possible. In this very moment. Right here, right now. For you. For me. For everyone. Regardless of our circumstances.

So if you are suffering, I invite you to write. Write out all of your thoughts. Then, step back and look at each one. Notice where you are resisting, arguing, judging, comparing, clinging or attaching to the past, present, or future. Notice who is noticing these thoughts—that is your center, the witness.

I find it helpful to drop into meditation. My mind often goes bat shit crazy in meditation—and THAT’S OKAY. The point is to just sit there and watch your thoughts, watch them as they move from one thought to the next. Don’t judge them or label them good or bad. They are neither good or bad, rather, the just ARE. Again, this is your witness, your center.

Next, do the work on the stickiest thoughts. Question them, turn them around, find other thoughts that perhaps might be more true. The benefit of this is that it sloooows us down. It stops us from being automatons who habitually attach to these sticky thoughts that cause us to suffer.

If you’re willing to do the work, you can be free. I ain’t saying it will be easy. But it will be worth it, because YOU ARE WORTH IT. Here’s to freedom, my friends. Our healing, our peace, our freedom is the world’s healing, peace, and freedom.

Put Your Fear in the Bitch Seat

For the past couple of years I have been a dream junkie. I write down my dreams (the ones I can remember anyways!!) and tend to the symbols that appear in them. I was recently listening to a Jungian Analyst who was giving a lecture on dream interpretation. I know. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?!? But hear me out…

The lecture suggested that if you want to find the complex at work in your life then look at your past ten or so dreams and explore the common threads. I thought, what a freaking cool idea! To my surprise, fear was the predominate emotion in my dream life. I thought this was odd, as I didn’t think that fear was significantly in my life at this moment, but in digging deeper, I realized it was there. Ohhhh, yes, it was there. In a few areas, actually. I’ve just been burying it, ignoring it, and refusing to acknowledge it.

As I continue to tend to these past dreams, and look toward my more recent dreams, I know that some of the underlying fear is related to the direction I see myself moving in the next couple of years. I love what I am doing now—teaching yoga, coaching clients, and blogging, however, I can’t continue to ignore the whispers of my soul. It has been pointing me towards something that integrates all that I have been learning and doing, and I’ve been denying it for quite some time. I’d love to tell you what direction that is—but I’m still really fucking afraid! HA! Soon enough, friends, soon enough. It won’t be long till I can walk hand in hand with fear and “come out.” Because I am using the practices I outline below, and fear is loosening its grip. I’m working through and with the fear and quietly beginning to move in the direction I know I want to go.

Over the years I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter whether our fear is at the forefront, or being repressed, either way, it keeps us small and holds us back.

Elizabeth Gilbert says, “Your fear must be kept in its place. (True emergencies only, please.) Your fear must not be allowed to make decisions about creativity, passion, inspiration, dreams. Your fear doesn’t understand these things, and so it makes the most boring possible decisions about them. Your fear mistakes creativity and inspiration for saber-toothed tigers and wolf packs. They aren’t. Creativity and inspiration are the vehicles that will transport you to the person you most need to become.” If we are to live the lives we are destined to live, the lives we desire to live, then we must discipline our fear, place it in the back seat, and not allow it to take the wheel. Better yet, assign your fear to the bitch seat—the least desirable spot in the car. Because there’s not much space in that seat, plus you have to sit on that uncomfortable little hump, squeezed between two other people. Can you tell I have kids who constantly fight over where they will sit in the car?!? I digress…

Bottom line is that all fear does is hold us back from living a more expansive life. It keeps us from creating. It stops us dead in our tracks. As Jack Canfield says, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

Take a moment to consider something you are afraid of, something that you have not yet acted on because your fear is holding you back. Perhaps this includes making a career change, leaving a relationship, trying out a new activity, leaving behind an addiction, exploring a creative pursuit or following a dream.

There is a beautiful poem by Hafiz, An Infant in Your Arms. He says,

The tide of my love

Has risen so high let me flood over

You.

Close your eyes for a moment

And maybe all your fears and fantasies

Will end.

If that happened

God would become an infant in your

Arms

And then you

Would have to nurse all

Creation!

If fear was not holding you back, what would you nurse into creation? What would you do if you knew you could not fail? What would you do if you did not fear judgment from others? (This last one being my greatest struggle. Ugh.) Perhaps there is a gift in this imagined fear, the gift of direction. Mastin Kipp says, “Unless you’re in mortal danger, fear is a compass showing you where to go.” I believe there is wisdom in this as there are many others out there who have said variations of the same thing.

For example, another prominent teacher, Joseph Campbell, says, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.” Let’s take a moment and explore that metaphorical cave. What exactly is it that you are afraid of? Visualize all of your fears and write them down. What does it look like if the worst-case scenario came true? How does your body react? Take three deep belly breaths, breathing into your belly, expanding your rib cage, and drawing the breath into your upper chest. Don’t forget to exhale! Could you survive the worst-case scenario? Chances are you could. How many worst-case scenarios have you experienced in your life thus far? And look! You’re still alive and kickin’.

Now, visualize your courageous-self walking past those fears and farther into the cave. Visualize the best-case scenario. What do you see? What are you doing? How are you feeling? How is your body responding? Do you feel a sense of expansion or constriction? If you are feeling expansive and open-hearted as you imagine this best-case scenario, perhaps that is a sign to follow your fear, to walk into that cave, for it holds the treasure you seek.

Elizabeth Gilbert says, “I want us all liberated from the path of fear for many reasons—but mostly because it makes for such a damn boring life. Fear only ever tells you one thing: STOP. Whereas creativity, courage and inspiration only ever want you to GO. GO=motion=change=fascination=possibility=growth=LIFE. STOP=well, nothing. And nothing is always more boring than something. So…go do something.” Such brilliant words of wisdom. I fucking love this woman. I believe we are born to create and to witness creation. It is why we are here. Most everything created is the result of somebody moving past their fear. If our fear holds us back, we become stagnant and withdrawn from the raging rivers that feed our soul.

As you move towards that which you want, your fear will continue to arise. That’s okay. Give it a hug and then lovingly tell it to “fuck off.” Okay, that’s not really loving, maybe nicely tell it that you hear it, you see it, but you’re going to act anyways. The goal isn’t to be rid of fear, but rather to work with you’re fear. Again, to use the car analogy–it’s not that you kick your fear out of the car. You just don’t allow it to take the wheel.

It’s awesome that you’re afraid. It means that what you’re doing is important to you. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be afraid. Simply notice the fear. Witness it. Take a few belly breaths and relax behind it as if it were a cloud floating on by. Thank it for pointing you towards that which you desire.

I have also found a variation of one of Gabby Bernstein’s activities in her book May Cause Miracles to be quite helpful in working with fear.

Write: “I am willing to witness my fears” Write down what it is you fear.

Write: “I am willing to see this differently. I am willing to see love.”

Write: “I am afraid to _________. I am willing to see love instead of this.” What would choosing love over fear look like in this situation? Write it down.

Write: “I am willing to be courageous.”

Meditate on: “Show me the way.” Look to your dreams, to synchronicities, to signs from the universe. Trust that you are being divinely guided. Thank your fear, release it, and keep on marching forward. Do this practice, EVERY DAY.

I believe in you. I believe in me. We can do this, friends. Let’s start today. What is the direction your fear is pointing you towards? What is one step that you can take today to move in that direction?

The Heroine’s Journey

Many of you have probably heard of Joseph Campbell’s, The Hero’s Journey. In a previous blog post I have written about it as a journey one takes as they embark on their quest to heal from addiction. It is a powerful and poignant journey where one sets out to slay the dragon, encountering allies and adversaries along the way, ultimately returning home victorious. In my studies of Depth Psychology, I have come across an equally powerful journey, that of The Heroine, which Maureen Murdock outlines in her book, The Heroine’s Journey. It is a journey for all women, not just for those in recovery.

If one is to heal from addiction and sustain a meaningful, enriched recovery, we must set out to heal the wounded masculine and the repressed feminine within ourselves and within our culture. We must find the balance of the Yin and the Yang. In this quest, we are called to the depths–we must connect with Soul and reclaim the lost parts of ourselves.

We live in a highly addicted society and most of us struggle with addiction in one form or another. Whether that be addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, materialism, technology, or other forms of compulsive behavior, we all struggle with something.

You might be asking yourself this question: Why are we so addicted in today’s modern day society?

In studying the work of Marion Woodman (and other academics in the field of Depth Psychology), I have come to believe that rampant addiction can be partially attributed to the severe imbalance in our patriarchal society of two important archetypes: that of the masculine and the feminine. Our culture deeply values qualities associated with masculine energy and for thousands of years the feminine has been repressed. But she is making her way back with a vengeance–she is making her presence known through addiction and other psychological and bodily ailments. She is forcing us to take a closer look at our lives. She is calling us towards an exploration of the depths and in doing so, we reconnect with our lost souls. Without her, we suffer.

To feel whole, healthy and integrated we must seek balance between these two archetypal energies if we are to birth our authentic selves into this world.

Ultimately, the mythic pattern of The Heroine’s Journey is the quest one embarks on to heal this deep wounding of our feminine nature on a personal, cultural, and spiritual level. 6,000 years of patriarchy has left the feminine deeply wounded, and these wounds run deep in our unconscious—it will take much work to heal this imbalance.

The Heroine’s Journey is cyclical, and we may go through it many times in our life, and also we may work on one or more stages at a time. It is a journey that connects us back to our body and back to our soul. It begins with The Separation from the Feminine.

The Separation from the Feminine and Identification with the Masculine

For the past five to six thousand years, matristic religions have been suppressed and devalued. Prior to patriarchy, cooperation societies existed where hierarchy and power were non-existent. Today’s patriarchy goes beyond gender, rather, it is based in power. We seek power over everything—our lives, our bodies, our addictions, our Mother Earth. It is this power principle that is destroying us individually and collectively, and has left us addicted to perfection, a title of one of Marion Woodman’s amazing books.

In a patriarchal society a woman splits from her feminine nature in order to be acceptable and accepted. Many of us have mother wounds and blame or reject aspects of our mothers, aligning ourselves more with the masculine because that is what our culture values.

The problem is, when we reject the feminine we are concurrently rejecting our bodies, as our body is matter, it is nature, both are considered feminine. In this unconscious identification with the masculine we reject our body in its natural form, and in doing so we seek “mother” through addiction, or through trying to manipulate and control our bodies.

Not only are we seeking to control our bodies, but we try to control our lives as well. We seek power and authority. We align with achievement, production, and success. We fine tune our skills through our educational system based in patriarchy that promotes linear thinking, analyzing, and goal-setting to name a few.

Now, I’m not knocking achievement, production, and success. I’m simply asserting that there is a massive imbalance—we overvalue the masculine and undervalue the feminine. We will not find balance until we step off the hamster wheel, stop defining our lives around what we do, and instead take the time to just BE. To align with feminine and slow down into her natural rhythm and cycles.

The Road of Trials and the Gathering of Allies

Murdock teaches that as we mature, we leave home and go in search of ourselves. We try to find our power, often armoring ourselves in the process by disconnecting from our feelings and our feminine soul.

The adversaries we face in our society are great, especially for women. We face the myth of “playing it safe,” believing that if we just make the “right” choices or the “safe” choices, that we will be happy and all will be well.

We encounter the myth of “dependency” and “romantic love” with affirmations through our culture that purport that we must have a man to depend on, to feel whole. Equally destructive is the thought that we need no one. That we can be Ms. Independent and do it all ourselves.

There is the myth of “female inferiority.” Our society has repressed feminine power for thousands of years and though the age of feminism has led to massive gains for women in terms of equality, we still are not valued as equals in today’s society. We make less money than men, there is no support for family leave, childcare is ridiculously expensive, the bulk of the housework falls in women’s hands. As a result, we also face the myth of “never being enough.” We often feel that we have to do more, be more, be better than who we are to be valued and accepted. When the unconscious masculine takes over, we can feel that no matter what we do, it simply is never enough.

I think the greatest myth we face that feminism has promoted is the myth that “you can have it all.” In the way our society is structured, this simply is not true for most women. As women we have to work twice as hard as men to “have it all.” We continually feel that we have to prove our value in this masculine world, instead of believing in our intrinsic worth.

All of these adversaries can drive us into addiction. We need to unpack these cultural unconscious beliefs. We need to embrace the fact that we are not all things, and still, WE ARE ENOUGH. It is in this acknowledgment that we become real, vulnerable, and open to transformation.

Finding the Boon of Success

Many of us women do find success, as our culture defines success, anyways. We seem to have it all—the career, the husband, the family, and yet, we still face criticism as women. Those who are too successful are chastised for the family sacrifices they have to make as a result. Conversely, if we choose family over career, we are criticized for “just being a housewife.” Basically, we can’t win.

In this quest for success, we neglect ourselves, we neglect our souls, our dream life, and our creative life in the process. We find the success we think we want, believe that we will feel whole and complete, and yet we are so often left feeling as though something is still lacking, we suffer, and we wonder why.

It’s because we’ve neglected the feminine in this process. We turn to our addictions as a way to numb the pain of the “go, go, go” life. We stay busy and productive to keep the feelings of emptiness at bay, to avoid the grief we feel when we’ve left behind important aspects of self in this quest for success.

Awakening to Feelings of Spiritual Aridity: Death

I believe this is the point where our addiction peaks. We’ve reached our bottom, we know something has got to change. Woodman says, “From a Jungian perspective, the psyche naturally moves toward wholeness. If we become stuck in a way of life that is not right for us, or a psychological attitude we’ve outgrown, then symptoms appear that force us out of our nest, if we’re willing to deal with them. If we choose not to, then we become obsessed with something that concretizes a genuine spiritual need.” This concretizing often manifests in addiction. We try to meet our spiritual needs by turning to alcohol, drugs, food, shopping—anything to help fill the gaping hole.

Murdock says that this is the place where we feel as though we’ve lost our inner fire. We question the meaning of it all. She says, “A woman loses her ‘inner fire’ when she is not being fed, when the soul’s flame is no longer fueled, when the promise of the dream held for so long dies. Old patterns no longer fit, the new way is not yet clear; there is darkness everywhere, and she cannot see or feel or taste or touch. Nothing means very much anymore, and she no longer knows who she really is.”

In order to heal from our addiction, we must recognize that our substance of choice is not going to fill the hole, rather, it only makes the void larger. Instead, we must go to the depths and connect with our lost souls. We must turn to the Gods and Goddesses for meaning and direction, one of the core principles of AA, turning it over to a higher power.

Initiation and Descent to the Goddess

This is where true healing begins. When we engage in the descent in search of our true selves, and allow ourselves to be dismembered, trusting that we will gain invaluable wisdom in the process and be born anew.

We must connect back to the lost aspects of self: our bodies, emotions, intuition, images, values, and sexuality. We must reclaim our virgin selves—virgin, meaning, our true essence. As in, the virgin forest. Murdock says, “We have to reclaim the parts of ourselves that were ours before we cloaked ourselves in the vestments of culture.”

We must reclaim our Wild Woman, which Clarissa Pinkola Estés speaks of in her book Women Who Run with Wolves. We must get back in touch with our instinctual nature, owning, respecting, and loving all aspects of ourselves. Owning our shadows, our dirty, messy, wild selves, and find beauty in them, knowing that it is this which makes us whole. It makes us perfectly imperfect, as we should be.

During this descent we get back in touch with our bodies and our innate wisdom. We have to honor the feminine cycle—death, decay, gestation, and rebirth. Trusting that the death and decay of the old self will lead to rebirth, but only if we allow the necessary time and space for proper gestation.

This needs to be a mindful initiation so that we don’t lose ourselves as we explore the depths of our soul. It is here that we find our own validation, and we stop looking to the outside.

Urgent Yearning to Reconnect with the Feminine

Murdock says, “When a woman has made the descent and severed her identity as a spiritual daughter of the patriarchy, there is an urgent yearning to reconnect with the feminine, whether that be the Goddess, the Mother, or her little girl within. There is a desire to develop those parts of herself that have gone underground while on the heroic quest: her body, her emotions, her spirit, her creative wisdom.”

When we started worshiping the father gods, started worshiping in churches instead of on the land, we disregarded the sanctity of nature, and with that, the sanctity of the body. It is at this point in the journey where we deeply reconnect with our body and its wisdom. We reconnect to the sacredness in matter. Women know with their bodies.

Jean Shinoda Bolen says, “When we know something in our bodies as well as with our mind and hearts, then we know something deeply about ourselves, and it is this dimension that has been out of balance in our Christian civilization and our Christian-influenced psychology. It has been so much a father psychology as well as a father theology, where mind, interpretations, and the word are the transformative experience and that’s not true [for women].”

We need to feel the deep sadness of having been separated from the feminine and grieve and release the loss. We need to release the masculine need to control and instead allow things to happen in the natural cycle of things. We need to find out about BEING instead of DOING—this is the sacred task of the feminine.

Murdock expresses that, “Being requires accepting oneself, staying within oneself and not doing to prove oneself. It is a discipline that is accorded no applause from the outside world.”

This heroic quest is about bringing the masculine and feminine into balance. Conscious, mindful BEING and DOING, but doing only as the result of the wisdom gained from being. This means stepping off of the busy train and creating space in your life for things that feed your soul.

During this stage we often yearn to be mentored by older women. We crave ritual. We crave connection with other women and with nature. This is a time to deeply tune into your dreams, intuition, and creativity. Creativity for the sake of creativity, not for outcome. Creativity to express and connect with the soul, the lost aspects of self. We learn to act on our truth, we are attentive and responsible to the present moment, we focus on cooperation instead of competition, we ALLOW, we trust birth will happen in its own time.

Marion Woodman points out that, “The feminine way is the healing way. Rather than polarizing, the feminine accepts the paradox: this is beautiful, that is the opposite, but it too is beautiful.” It is at this stage that we accept ourselves in our totality—the good, the bad, the ugly—it is all beautiful and it is all part of this path we walk in this thing called life.

Healing the Mother-Daughter Split

Murdock teaches that this wound goes beyond a woman’s relationship with her personal mother, rather, it speaks to the heart of the imbalance in values within our culture. We long for a strong, powerful female parent.

We’ve been taught that life is hard, life is not fair, there is no ease and you have to work your ass off all the freaking time. With these unconscious beliefs we fear the mother, because the mother doesn’t control, she allows, and we want to control. It’s what we know. It’s what we’ve been taught. It’s ingrained in us through years of public schooling and cultural indoctrination.

In healing the split from the feminine, we need to be able to ask for help (something many of us addicts struggle with), and we need to drop into the feminine spirit of cooperation as a way to take back our power. We need to become our own nurturing mother. We need to connect with our feminine souls. Woodman says, “The feminine soul is what grounds us; it loves and accepts us in our totality. Our challenge is to embody this.”

There are many ways to begin to heal this split. Begin to honor your creativity and find out what your true values are, and live them. Honor your body, your sexuality, your emotions. Honor your innate wisdom and the wisdom of the earth—get your hands dirty! Research the sacred feminine and/or join a women’s group. Participate in the nurturing of your community. Study the Tao. Sign up for a program that supports the mind and body. One such program is Yoga Church Teacher Training, founded by Meadow DeVor, that delves into practices that integrate mind, body, heart and soul.

Practice surrender. Woodman says, “If you’re an addict, you have got to come to terms with the feminine principle. You’ve got to feel that slow rhythm—the rhythm of the earth is slow—you have to feel that slowing down, you have to quiet the soul, and you have to surrender, because eventually you have to face the fact that you are not God and you cannot control your life.”

This is the first step to healing from addiction: SURRENDER. Surrender is deeply aligned with the feminine, it is the first step back to healing the imbalance we are facing individually and collectively.

Healing the Wounded Masculine and Integration of the Masculine and Feminine

We begin to heal the wounded masculine by first honoring and bringing forth the repressed feminine. We need the masculine—it is the masculine energy that brings forth the wisdom and creativity of the feminine.

Murdock says, “The masculine is an archetypal force; it is not a gender. Like the feminine, it is a creative force that lives within all women and men. When it becomes imbalanced and unrelated to life it becomes combative, critical, and destructive. This unrelated archetypal masculine can be cold and inhuman; it does not take into account our human limitations. Its machismo tells us to forge ahead no matter what the cost. It demands perfection, control, and domination; nothing is ever enough.”

Along with the feminine, it is the masculine in balance that supports us in recovery. How many of us in recovery are overly critical of ourselves? How many of us are hanging on by a thread seeking to control our addiction or control our recovery? How many of us are harboring shame as a result of our addiction, fearing that our lack of ‘perfection’ has left us deeply flawed, and unlovable? These are all elements of the unrelated masculine at work.

We need the masculine in balance. It allows us to be disciplined, steady, and committed. It gives us endurance, helps us to set limits, and protects us. In fact, it may be the very thing that gave us the wherewithal to find ourselves on the path of recovery. But it alone cannot sustain. It needs its partner, the feminine, just as the day needs the night.

June Singer teaches us that the goal of the masculine principle is perfection, the goal of the feminine is completion. If you are perfect, you can’t be complete. If you are complete, you can’t be perfect. It is through the integration of the masculine and feminine that we find ourselves whole. We accept our imperfections and our limitations. Murdock says that through this integration, “A woman gives birth to herself as a divine androgynous being, autonomous, and in a state of perfection in the unity of the opposites. She is whole.”

As we move beyond dualistic thinking, as we begin to equally honor the wisdom and importance of our body, soul, heart and mind we heal the split within ourselves and through that personal healing, we begin to heal our collective wounds.

I’ve barely scratched the surface on what this journey entails. It is deep, soulful work, and I hope this introduction has peaked your interest in exploring this concept further.

Check out Maureen Murdock’s book, The Heroine’s Journey. Her book asserts that this is the journey the modern woman is in need of and does not speak directly to addiction. Marion Woodman’s, Addiction to Perfection is also a great, albeit at time tedious read. She delves into addiction in depth and how it relates to the imbalance in the masculine and feminine. Also, The Ravaged Bridegroom, by Marion Woodman explore masculinity in women. Clarissa Pinkola Estés has an amazing book that is a must read titled, Women Who Run with Wolves.

If you are interested in exploring this further, in reconnecting to your essence, your feminine wisdom, and in integrating your lost aspects of self, send me an email at shelby@shelbymessenger.com. I’d love to work with you and support you on your path.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tips for Transforming Shame

Shame. Blech. The word alone makes me cringe. Like many of the difficult emotions, I want to escape and avoid this one—to take a quick ice cold bath in it and call it done.

The past few years I have worked through boat loads of shame over past choices and actions I have made in the hopes that I could move on from this painful emotion and never have to deal with it again. HA! If only it were that easy…

I thought I had gotten myself to a place where I can claim that I have no shame, and in a sense, I have worked past the shame of these particular situations. I can talk openly about them. I know and believe that my past actions don’t define me or make me unworthy of love and belonging. However, I’m kidding myself if I think I am free from feeling shame.

Our shame work is never done. Just when we think it’s all good, another thought, another behavior, another situation occurs and BAM! We’re stuck with Another. Fucking. Shame. Attack.

Brené Brown, a shame researcher, says that “shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” The problem is, when we are in a shame attack the LAST thing we want to do is share our story. Shame is tied to the belief that we are inherently bad, that we are unworthy of love and belonging. We think if people knew our shame, we might be rejected. This is a scary belief. Why the hell would I want to share something that could possibly lead to rejection?!? It seems counterintuitive. But the research speaks for itself. We must do the thing that we don’t want to do if we want to be free.

We need belonging, love and connection to survive and any perceived threat to that can keep us from sharing the thing that we think will make others recoil in disgust and disbelief. The problem is when we hold in our shame it metastasizes like a disfiguring cancerous tumor determined to suck the life right out of us. Our shame keeps us small. It keeps us from practicing vulnerability, which is the exact thing we must be practicing in order to have deep, intimate connections with others. It is the antidote to shame.

In other words, it’s a vicious cycle. We fear not having love and belonging, so we hide our shame. We close off and turn away from vulnerability which then keeps us from the love and belonging that we are so desperately trying to protect.

Brené says, “vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.” However, it’s the very thing we need to practice if we want to authentically show up in our relationships. If we want to deepen our connections and intimacy, we must practice vulnerability.

So why am I writing about shame? Because I had quite the shame attack this holiday season. My shame is related to my sobriety from alcohol and that fact that I spent most of December wanting to drink. The thing is I have secretly prided myself on the fact that not drinking hasn’t been that hard. I haven’t gone to A.A. I’ve been able to be around other people who are drinking, I have been to parties and gatherings and have had a general sense of “I’ve got this thing handled.” I made it through summer, the biggest drinking time of the year for me and my friends, and if I can handle that, I can handle anything. However, this holiday season my sobriety felt fragile at certain moments. There are three thoughts that generally lead to relapse. They are: 1. I deserve it 2. Fuck it 3. No one will know. My thoughts were swirling in the camp of “no one will know” and “fuck it.” Luckily, I was on to myself.

Here’s where the shame creeps in. The thoughts of “I can’t let people know about this,” and “what will people think of me if they know what I am thinking and feeling?” I imagine they will think I am weak. That I don’t have it figured out. As if I am supposed to have it all figured out and be strong all of the time. Basically, the independent, I-can-do-anything-without-help 16 year-old in me was rearing her self-righteous, cocky head. These are the kind of thoughts that lead us into shame spirals. Knowing that shame can’t survive when it’s shared, I reached out to my Rowdy friends, though it was hard for me to admit how I was feeling.

It’s important to acknowledge that none of us can do this thing called life alone. We need each other. We need our friends and family to lean on when we are feeling vulnerable. That doesn’t make us weak, it makes us strong. To banish shame, to get it in its free flowing state, it needs to be shared. That doesn’t mean you go and shout your pain from the roof tops to anyone and everyone. It means sharing it with those who love and support you. Shame cannot survive when it is shared in a safe place.

The next time you find yourself in the midst of shame attack, turn towards those who love you. Practice vulnerability. Don’t allow your shame to metastasize. Remember, you are not alone in your shame. We all have it. It is our shame, our imperfections that connect us. You are perfectly imperfect just as you are supposed to be. As Brené says, “imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together.”

Yes, we are all in this together, my friends. Let us not be afraid to lean on each other.

Stepping into the New Year

It’s that time of year again! Where everyone has an opinion on how to best reflect on the past year and look to the year ahead.  Some say setting resolutions is a shitty idea and only serves to set you up for failure. Others say reflecting on the year behind is just another opportunity to feel bad about yourself. Then there are those who say “set intentions instead of goals” because intentions are so much more powerful! However you want to look at it, this time of year is definitely conducive to reflection and looking ahead. I personally love it!

2016 has been a year of ups and downs and I’m sure you can relate! I love resolutions and goal setting as it gives me direction and focus. If I don’t know where I’m going, I often get lost in the paradox of choice. I end up wasting precious energy deciding what to do with each day, each week, each month. Without a continuously structured and updated plan I flounder. If I don’t set goals I just end up with more of the same. I have learned overtime that goals are my friend and that I need to continually revisit and revise them. I like to look at what worked and what didn’t and make plans accordingly.

What worked well for you this past year?

For me, ending my long time love affair with vodka and tequila in early 2016 was a major win. Though it’s not always easy, the benefits outweigh the struggles and I plan to stick with this in the New Year. My intense focus on my marriage this year has also allowed me to cultivate a stronger partnership with a love that continues to deepen. I will definitely continue to make my marriage a priority! I also started a Ph.D. program that excites and challenges me. I look forward to all that it brings in 2017.

Take a moment to reflect on what worked for you in 2016. Decide whether it is worth continuing in the New Year. Perhaps what worked has run its course, or perhaps it needs your continued attention and focus.

What didn’t work well this past year?

In 2016 (and 2015, and 2014….) I struggled with maintaining consistent routines and rituals. As a result, my well-being often suffered because I started out many days on auto-pilot without taking time to intentionally start my day. Without the structure of routines and rituals a lot of my days were haphazard and filled with endless distractions. Routines and goals keep me productive!

In 2017 I am going to commit to an intentional start and finish to my day. Allowing for flexibility and variety within this, because I know this is how my brain works! If I take this into consideration, it will aid in my success when it comes to implementing this goal. I’ve looked at why I’ve failed in the past at this, and have a better plan this year to set myself up for success.

Some advice I would offer is to not use this question as an opportunity to feel bad about yourself. If 2016 was a doozy…big fucking deal. It doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person. We all have shitty years. It’s guaranteed in this thing called life. Don’t use this question to ruminate on all of the bad, rather use it as neutral information to help you move forward. Our biggest challenges often turn out to be major blessings in disguise.

Take a moment to reflect on what didn’t work for you in 2016. What steps can you take to transform what didn’t work in the upcoming year?

What emotions predominated your life this past year?

I love Danielle LaPorte’s book, The Desire Map. In this book she talks about defining how you want to feel and consciously cultivating those feelings. While we can’t control our emotions, we can pinpoint how it is we would like to feel and take steps to cultivate those feelings more often. We can bring more intention to feeling our emotions and transforming them. How I would like to feel in 2017 is: bold, turned-on, strong, and creative.

How do you want to feel in 2017? Name 3-5 feelings that you would like to cultivate more often. What steps (or step) can you take to feel these feelings more often in the coming year?

The problem many of us run into when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions is that we set ourselves up for failure by trying to go too big. Or we set goals that go against our tendencies and recurrent behavioral patterns. We have to work with these tendencies and work around them. For example, I have struggled with routine because a part of me hates routine. However, at the same time, I know that I thrive when I have it. So I need to create something that allows for flexibility and variety. So rather than saying “I will do x,y, and z every morning,” instead, I will give myself options and choose to complete 1-3 of those options. I’m going to start small!

If you have failed at New Year’s Resolutions in the past, give starting small a try this year.

Small changes often lead to big changes down the road. If your goal this year is to get in shape, commit to just one push-up a day. Want to have a regular meditation practice? Commit to one minute a day, or even to just one conscious, mindful breath a day. It sounds silly, but in committing to such a small endeavor you are cultivating a powerful habit that will lead to lasting change. Plus, you will feel great about yourself because you are committing to something that you can achieve! Every great accomplishment starts with the first step.

I’m wishing you all a happy and healthy New Year! And remember, start small, start with step one. I’ll be right there with you. A win is a win regardless of how big or small.

Calling on the Wisdom of the Wild Woman

What are you hungry for deep in your soul? The Wild Woman Archetype can help you to bring forth that which is calling to you. She connects you with your innate wisdom, she is your innate wisdom. She is powerful and wise. She is connected to all those who have gone before you. Call on her. Invite her in.

For the past several weeks I have been endlessly fascinated with the Wild Woman, ever since reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes bestseller, Women Who Run with the Wolves. In the past month or so I’ve been feeling as though I’d lost touch with a part of my wild nature. Going through the motions, trying to live a soulful, fulfilled life. But still, there has been a touch of wildness that is missing. There has been this part of me that deeply longs to just break out of all the norms and run free. But in reflecting on this, I wonder, what exactly does that look like?

Clarissa’s book provides more or less a road map to connect with this innate, wild energy that is available to all of us. We’ve been so conditioned by culture, religion, and family norms, to name a few, knowing what we must and must not do to have and maintain connection and belonging. But what part of ourselves do we lose in this process of domestication?

We lose a huge part of ourselves. We lose our connection to the wild, we lose our connection to our soul, if we are going through the motions unconsciously.

You see, the Wild Woman doesn’t just survive—she THRIVES.

We need to reclaim our instinctual life, our soul, our spirit.

Clarissa discusses how this Wild Woman is an endangered species in today’s society, and a protective preserve must be created to nurture her. This protective preserve, this sacred space, is created and nurtured by US. This wild aspect of self is needed more now than ever in today’s politically tumultuous climate—with our safety, our water, our environment, our children, our dignity being threatened at every turn. With women making 77 cents per every dollar made by a man, our society needs us to reclaim our wildness. To stand for equality. To step out of our acceptance of the status quo, and instead to call on our fierce, wild nature.

You may be wondering who or what this Wild Woman is. What she looks like. How she acts. If you had asked me 15 years ago I would have said she is the one carelessly dancing on table tops, streaking through the university campus at the sight of the first rain of the season, swimming naked in the ocean (I have done all of these!). Yes, this can be her, and yet she is so much more.

Below you will find some thoughts and questions to reflect on to cultivate the Wild Woman energy in your life. Grab a cup of coffee, grab your journal, and take a few minutes to reflect on and answer the following questions.

1.  The Wild Woman leads a truthful life that is informed by both gut instincts as well as intellect. She runs, gets lost, and risks making mistakes in order to answer the call of her soul.

  • What is my soul hungry for?
  • Where am I in denial, or not telling my truth?
  • Where am I staying small out of fear of making a mistake?
  • Am I afraid of getting lost, and is that fear holding me back?
  • Do I listen to my gut instincts, or do I continually rationalize with intellect?

2.  The Wild Woman is a rebellious seeker. She takes the road less traveled. She doesn’t wait for a guide to show up, instead, she strikes out on her own.

  • In what area of my life do I need to set out on the road less traveled?
  • Where am I waiting for a guide?
  • Why am I waiting for a guide?

3.  The Wild Woman cannot be controlled, she is the original rebel, the original revolutionary.

  • Where am I being controlled? By what or by whom?
  • Where do I need to call on my rebellious nature?
  • What status quo am I currently accepting?

4.  The Wild Woman uses all of her senses. She uses her imagination, her passion, she tells her stories. SHE USES HER VOICE.

  • Where do I need to speak up?
  • What is keeping me from using my voice?
  • What are my passions?
  • What are my stories?
  • Am I living them? Am I sharing them? If not, why?

5.  The wild woman doesn’t want to settle or be forced into any box.

  • Where in my life am I settling?

6.  The Wild Woman is in tune with nature. She’s in tune with the rhythms, cycles, and seasons of her life.

  • Do I know what season I am in?
  • If I’m in winter, am I allowing myself to hibernate and replenish? If not, why?
  • If I’m in spring, am I taking myself out into the world, creating, sharing, and blossoming? If not, why?

7.  The Wild Woman is uninhibited, erotic, and comfortable with her life force energy.

  • Am I allowing myself pleasure?
  • How can I cultivate even more pleasure in my life?
  • Am I comfortable in and embracing my sexuality?
  • Am I embracing the dirty, juicy, moist, earthy parts of myself?

8.  The Wild Woman accepts and embraces all parts of herself.

  • What aspect of myself do I find unacceptable? Why?
  • What do I need to do to find acceptance in this area?
  • How can I foster more self-love?

9.  The Wild Woman allows for spontaneity. She is inventive. She creates and she destroys.

  • What do I need to create?
  • What do I need to destroy?
  • How can I allow for more spontaneity in my life?

The Wild Woman is often feared because she is immensely powerful. She is liberated. She is unstoppable. She knows when to soften and when to call on her fierce nature. Where in your life do you need to invite her in? Perhaps in your relationship? Your parenting? Career? In your creative life? Your activism? Your emotional life?

Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, “The Wild Woman is only intimidating to those who are not yet free. She is a mirror of all you are or all you have yet to become. She is a living invitation to claim your freedom. Your wings long to life you on the wind.”

Claim your freedom by inviting this powerful and wise archetype into your life. Her wisdom and power will set you free. She will help you create and live a life where you can THRIVE. She will connect you to the wisdom of all women who have gone before you. It is time to unleash your power.

When we free ourselves, it is then that we can truly step into our power and help to liberate others.

Stress Got You Down?

I cannot believe that it is November. It seems like just yesterday I was basking in the warm sunshine, enjoying days and nights on the river and lake. Sharing campfire stories and s’mores with beloved family and friends.

The transition from summer to fall was like going from 0 to 100mph in less than two seconds. Suddenly, we were off and running. Getting up early and rushing to get to school, then hustling from one activity to the next.

During this transition, you could feel the stress level of everybody begin to rise. In fact, you could feel the stress level of the entire county rise as September faded into October.

Aside from the kid’s schedules, the work days this time of year are long and the town where we live has been WAY beyond maximum capacity. With travelers from all over the world coming to temporarily make Southern Humboldt their home.

The stress this year has been confounded by the changing times and the unknown future of our beloved local economy. People are competing for limited resources. Many are not sure if the hard work they put in this year will pay off, nor are they sure about what the future holds for them and their families. You can feel the stress in the air; it is like a heavy, thick, stagnant fog that lingers.

It is my husband’s stress that has inspired me to write this blog post. His body hurts, his neck hurts, he is tense and continually saying he is “stressed-out.” I try to offer him comfort by listening to his pain, but his stress is something that only he can work through.

The thing is, stressed-out is just a blanket term that we wrap ourselves in like a warm cozy blanket that is familiar, albeit scratchy. More like one of those woolen blankets, that provides warmth but is definitely NOT merino wool. We do this to avoid the uncomfortable task of having to go deeper. We avoid looking at what lies beneath the stress, at what is really there, waiting to be heard.

We do this because stressful situations always point to our deepest issues.

You see, stress is not actually an emotion.

Karla McLaren says that stress is, “a term from the world of physics and engineering, where it is defined as a pressure, pull, or force exerted on one thing by another, or the internal resistance of a thing to the external forces applied to it.”

Basically, stress is something that happens to an object. And while some may disagree with me, we are not objects. We are living, breathing, emotional beings whose soul expresses itself through our body.

In our mind-based culture, we’ve been taught to value the intellect and will over experiencing life in an embodied way, which has caused us to grow out of and away from the body as an immediate, lived experience.

One of the many consequences of this has been that we have lost our emotional fluency. We have objectified the body and use catch-all terms such as stress and anxiety to keep from having to dive in and do the work necessary to feel and process that which arises from our psyche, that which needs to be carefully and lovingly tended to.

Because emotions are a somatic experience (they arise from and can be felt in the body), if we are disconnecting from the body and objectifying it, we will also be disconnecting from our emotional experience and therefore our emotional vocabulary will be limited.

If you want to resolve your stress, you have to be willing to dive deeper.

You have to be willing to explore and feel what lies in depths, underneath the warm blanket of stress. It’s actually less work to hide behind “stressed-out.” That is part of the reason why we hide there. We are creatures who seek ease and comfort. If we don’t know any better, we go to what feels familiar. However, if you are willing to do the work, you will become more emotionally fluent and increase your well-being in the long run. The work is worth it.

If you’re feeling stressed, you now know that stress is not an emotion. The next step is to ask yourself: “What am I really feeling?” It is probably a combination of emotions.

Check in with the sensations in your body. Chances are high that you are experiencing tightness or pain. Probably in your neck or shoulders. Maybe in your low back. Scan your body and notice where you are holding tension. Ask that sensation what it is trying to communicate. What is it protecting you from knowing or feeling?

Is there fear underneath the stress? Is it real fear? As in, are you in immediate danger and need to take action NOW? Or is it manufactured fear, based in the future? Ask yourself: “What action should be taken?”

Is their anger beneath the stress? If so, what boundary has been violated? What boundary needs to be restored?

Is there sadness? Ask, “What needs to be released?”

Is there confusion? Check in with and question your intentions.

When we step back and allow ourselves to feel, we develop the capacity to respond in an empowered way. We develop the capacity to see new possibilities and change course without letting our stress debilitate us.

The reality is that we live in an always changing and unstable environment. Security is an illusion that we all cling to and when our security is threatened, we turn to stress.

However, our well-being comes from conscious awareness, from shining a light on the dark. From feeling our feelings and allowing them to be in motion as the word ‘emotion’ implies. It is derived from the Latin word emovere which means ‘to move through or out.’ The only way to move through or out is by diving into the emotion that is present. Also, our well-being is nurtured when we step back, take an eagle eye’s view and respond in an empowered way. And when all else fails, accepting what is.

The only thing we can trust in life is that we will be given multiple opportunities to practice coming back to center. To practice grounding ourselves. To practice feeling our feelings. To practice mindfulness and loving kindness. To practice being at home in our bodies.

Stress can be one of our most insightful teachers, if we let it.

Problem Solving 102

Problems, problems, problems–we all have them. They can be the bane of our existence and paradoxically some of our greatest teachers. Some problems are big, some are small. Some pass quickly and are readily solved, others seem to linger.

If we tune into the body, there is always an accompanying somatic response. Often a tightening, a clenching, sometimes a hunching of the shoulders and a closing of the heart.  When you combine this response with the spinning of the mind that also seems to walk hand in hand with the problems we encounter, it is no wonder we seek solutions! Problems simply don’t feel good. Actually, most of the time they just flat out suck.

In a group called The Rowdies, of which I am a part, I talk daily with brilliant women from around the globe about many various issues.  Lately, we have been discussing problems, and looking at concepts such as, “the problem IS the solution” and “the problem is the solution to another underlying problem.” Are you following? I know, it sounds trippy, but hang in there with me, it will make sense in a moment.

You see, this conversation has become more or less of a “problem” for me.  It has left my mind spinning, seeking solutions. I wasn’t so sure that these two concepts could be applied to every situation or whether one concept over the other was better fitting given the specifics of the predicament.

So I decided to problem solve. I wanted answers. Through my inquiry, I discovered a process to open-heartedly inquire into life’s problems.

Step one: Identify the problem

Is this actually a problem that needs solving, or is it simply something to be experienced? In my example, I didn’t actually need to problem solve, I could have just let it be and moved on. But I was curious. I saw this as something to engage with and wanted to play. Is your problem something to be played with? If so, keep a light heart while you play.

Conversely, maybe your problem doesn’t need to be solved, maybe you just need to feel your feelings in regards to the situation and let it go, with no action at all. If you can determine that now, in step one, then great! Feel the feels and let that shit go. Problem solved!

The bottom line is to get very clear on what the problem actually is. Sometimes our mind can trick us into thinking that something is a problem, when in fact, it really isn’t. Inquire with curiosity.

If you’ve identified that this is, in fact, a problem where you want to take action, move to step two.

Step two: Get clear on why this is a problem

What about it is problematic? What characteristics and qualities make it a problem? Check in with your body. How is your body responding when you are thinking about this problem? What is your mind saying? What emotions are you feeling when you think about the problem?

Clarity is of utmost importance when it comes to disentangling the situation.

Step three: Open your heart

Open your heart by literally placing your shoulders back and broadening the chest. Breathe into your heart center. It is hard to problem solve when we are closing in, and often it is our hearts that hold the answers we seek. When we open our hearts we create expansion, we open ourselves to the possibilities. We make room for creativity.

I love Tony Robbins heart meditation for problem-solving. Step three is a great place to try out this meditation. The electromagnetic field surrounding the heart is greater than that of the mind, thus scientifically indicating that the heart a very powerful force. It often holds the answers we seek. Ever heard the phrase “follow your heart”? It knows things that the mind doesn’t.

Here is the process:

-Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes

-Think about your problem that needs solving

-Place both hands on your heart and breathe deeply, directing the breath into your heart center

-Answer the question: What are you proud or grateful for that your heart has guided you to give, do, feel, or enjoy?

-Have gratitude for your heart. You didn’t have to earn it. You didn’t have to do anything, give anything, accomplish anything, or be anything to get this powerful heart. Something loved you enough to gift you with this heart that beats over 100,000 times a day.

-Think of one event you are grateful for. Step into it as if you were there. What do you feel? Smell? See? Hear? Fill up with gratitude.

-Think of a second moment that you are grateful for. Breathe it, feel it, step into it.

-Think of one more moment where you felt immense gratitude

-Think of a coincidence that led to something you are grateful for. Was it a coincidence or were you guided?

-Keep breathing into your heart center

-Revisit the initial problem, but continue to stay with your heart, breathing into it

-Ask your heart: What do I need to focus on? Remember? What do I need to do in this situation?

-Write down what your heart has to say, and use this answer as part of step five.

Step four: Know exactly what you want

If you have identified this situation as a problem, it is obviously something you DON’T want. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, draw your attention to what you DO want. Make a list. Get very clear on this. If you are trying to problem-solve without a clear vision of where you are headed, you may find yourself with just another problem on your hands!

Step five: Brainstorm solutions

Get creative. Be ridiculous. There are no limits here. The more you brainstorm, the more likely you are to find a solution. It takes many bad ideas to get to a good idea, just ask Einstein.

Step six: Try out a potential solution

Take one of the steps you’ve identified as a possibility, either from your heart meditation or from the list you made in step five. Be willing to fail. If you fail to solve your problem, give another one of your creative solutions a try.

Okay, now that was Problem Solving 101. Now we will move on to Problem Solving 102.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF UNABLE TO TAKE THE STEPS YOU HAVE OUTLINED, THEN LOOK AT THE POSSIBILITY THAT “THE PROBLEM IS THE SOLUTION TO ANOTHER UNDERLYING PROBLEM”

If this is the case, the reason you are unable to actively seek solutions is because solving this problem would open you up to another problem you may not be aware is lurking beneath the surface.

Ask yourself:

Why am I unable to take the steps I have identified?

What am I afraid of?

Do I believe the steps I have outlined may create additional problems for me? Problems that could be worse than the original situation?

What is the worst case scenario that can happen if I do solve this?

What is the worst case scenario if I don’t solve this?

Asking and answering these questions can take you to some underlying beliefs that you may not want to face, which is the REAL problem here.

An example here would be that you are completely lacking in the self-care department and you are totally stressed out and a wreck, and it has become a huge problem for you. You KNOW how to do self-care, but just aren’t making the time for it, or can’t find the time, so you fail to take action. Or you take action for a few days and then fall back to old habits and find yourself with the same problem over and over again.

Perhaps the REAL problem then is what it entails to take the steps to self-care. It could involve setting boundaries with work or with your partner. Something you find hard to do or are unwilling to do because of potential problems THAT would create. So in that sense, your problem is the solution to the underlying problem of having poor boundaries. Of being unable to speak your truth and state your needs. Your problem keeps you from having to problem-solve the even harder task of boundary setting and truth telling. It in essence, solves THAT problem for you.

Also, if you find yourself unable to act, it is helpful to reflect back to your answer from step four, knowing what you want. This is the tricky part because you have to be grounded, you have to know yourself, you must have strong boundaries and you have to be clear that you can actually get what you want.  That your ‘wants’ don’t involve controlling other people or living in fantasy land.

If what you are wanting is security (which is an illusion we all cling to), to be special, to belong, to have approval, to not have to set boundaries, to feel good all of the time, or to not have to feel at all, to have everything go your way, etc. Then take a look at and unpack those beliefs. Maybe this isn’t an outside problem, but an inside job. A cleaning up of beliefs. If what you want is something that is unattainable, such as wanting approval from somebody who will never give it to you, then you won’t be able to solve your problem, because your problem is tied to underlying beliefs and that in and of itself is the REAL problem.

I get it. This is confusing. This is a convoluted and complicated process because the underlying problem could be completely unconscious, something you are not aware of. If that’s the case and you find yourself stuck, seek out a coach or a therapist, somebody who can help you unpack the issue.

IF YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE THE STEPS YOU’VE OUTLINED, AND YET THE PROBLEM PERSISTS, CONSIDER THAT “THE PROBLEM IS THE SOLUTION”

This points to surrender. To accepting what is.

Can you trust that this is exactly what the universe had planned for you? That this problem is actually saving you from a fate that could be much worse? Or that this problem is here for you to experience growth in a way that is not possible through any other experience?

If you’ve exhausted your creative problem-solving solutions and are met with road block after road block, then perhaps the problem IS the solution. Acceptance IS the solution.

Regardless of what you uncover in this process, step seven is the most important.

Step seven: Remember that this too shall pass

It always does. I saw a quote on Facebook the other day, the author was noted as “The Universe” which is perfectly fitting. It said, “Whatever your problem or challenge may be, laugh at it. Laugh long and hard. Because you are forever and it is temporary.”

It IS temporary. Yes, yes it is. As James Hillman says in The Myth of Analysis, “…the complexes are life itself; to be rid of them is to be rid of life.” Our problems can be a beautiful reminder that we are ALIVE. What a gift. We must embrace life with all of the light AND dark. We can’t know pleasure without pain. When all else fails, remember that this too shall pass.